Back to square one

That's precisely where I'm at.Life's gone a full circle on me,and I'm at the center of it.

There are 2 ways of looking at it.Either that I'm back at the beginning, or that I'm better equipped to handle the challenges life can throw at me.

I choose the second perspective. Life's good.

Always, always, always the best friend

Do looks really matter?

For the record,I'm not a looker.I have no illusions about my physical appearance.I am what one would term,"average".On a bad hair day,with my permanent buck teeth,I look positively ghastly.

If you're wondering,this is not self-deprecation.I'm not looking for sympathy or consolation.These are the plain facts.And the fact that you feel the urge to console me on my looks,proves me right!Looks do matter.

All through my childhood,I've had to work twice as hard to get half the recognition a better looking person is lavished with.They don't deserve the attention!They were born with the looks,didn't have to work to look that good.But oh,the rewards!Always the recipient of unjustified rewards.

Do I sound jealous?It's because you also know I just made a profound statement,

Good looking people can get away with murder.

The unattractive ones,the ones who are actually fun,well-mannered and kind-hearted,get their feelings stomped on with an alarming frequency.

Hence,they adapt a very handy shield.The guys becomes the clowns,and the girls turn tomboys,as their claim to fame.

Evidently,this choice puts them permanently on the "friend zone".Yes,there is such a thing.The unluckier ones fall in "the best friend zone".Haven't you heard it often enough,"But we're just friends","You are my best friend in the whole world ,but I don't see you that way".

Ya right! Try repeating that with a straight face when your "best friend" is a Brad Pitt or an Angelina Jolie.Why,even homegrown Rahul Dravid or a Ranbir Kapoor with all the controversy surrounding him would never be "just a friend".Bloody hypocrites!

Having been there,watching your crush dismiss you like an annoying flea,or your  love interest chasing after the pretty bitch(yes,the pretty ones always are!),I know what it feels like.

To joke away your  own feelings,,to console the bastard that's breaking your heart and watch him feel better as you make self-deprecating jokes,part of your presence in his life.

Yeah,been there,done all that - wishing on shooting stars,fasting and praying,being the kindest and most sensitive soul within miles.All that gets registered though,is your being too available.

Finally,like the chick flicks everyone likes to scorn,the makeover.You feel a sense a shallowness wash over you as you succumb to it,and reality hit you as you discover the obvious - it works!

Of course,the made over look barely touches your attitude.If it does,Abracadabra!You are now a beautiful swan!

If not,you're always ,always,always going to be the world's best friend!

The delete undelete dilemma

It's been quite sometime since I blogged.And all because someone told me that I become very transparent in my blogs.That one can easily see through me.It was quite an unsettling thought
It made me pretty uncomfortable.I stopped writing.I started introspecting every move of mine.
In the process,I stopped being myself.

I do realize this blog seems like my online diary.And yes,it will be like that coz everytime I write,I put a part of myself into it.With good reason too.I don't write things I dont feel or believe in.Writing is my only passion.Sure,I guess some things are private and should be kept off the cyberspace.

But there is nothing in this blog that I am even remotely ashamed of.So why should I be thinking twice about owning up to my thoughts and feelings.Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite?

There are times when I did consider deleting this blog.But I never could. I cherish this part of me.(And believe me there are not too many things in life that I do cherish).I love writing.I love putting my thoughts out for everyone to see(Egoistic me!!:) Obnoxious?Hell yeah!!

Besides,this is MY blog.Visitors are welcome.Only,they get to read MY thoughts.So enter at your own risk!!

Personality disorder?

Been thinking about my past today..childhood memories and stuff like that..been going over my growth over the years...strangely draining experience...only one thing that I really enjoyed in the montage of images flashing through my mind...I am a very interesting person :) I have a plethora of interests and sub-interests if you may!

I am a simple person who seems complicated..or a complex person who appears simple:) Heck I can't confirm for myself...keeps me interested in myself:D Obnoxious? Maybe..although I'd say I am someone who got lost in my own mind ;)

Higher Calling..

Been watching a lot of motivational videos off late. Summarized my understanding of what I think is the common message conveyed through all of them -

Pain is temporary,but if you quit,it'll last forever.At the end of pain is success.Our purpose in life, is to love unconditionally - KINDNESS,TOLERANCE,FAITH,HOPE,JOY and HAPPINESS - every living being needs it.
LOVE enables us to provide all of this.You have been endowed with a gift.A gift to love unconditionally.A gift that will always and only bring joy to the receiver.So go on, spread the joy while you can.
The world seems to have forgotten that these simple values are what life is truly made of.And it's time the world re-discovered them.

Life is calling...

where are you?..It's a tagline of a popular drink.I dunno about the effect of the drink,for I don't drink...yet;)...But that tagline sure has left an indelible impression upon me.It has forced me to do something I have not done ever since I started working..and that..is to think!!

It might sound funny..but it's sad actually.As a school kid or even as a college-goer,I was always teeming with creative ideas,constantly thinking,pondering,trying to understand...and ..ahem..make a difference.It was as natural as breathing.

Ever since I started working,the only perk has been,economic independence.My life soon turned into a routine,and with it,my thought process.I became as mechanized as the machine I use at work.Log in,code,test,log out.That was it.

I am not a machine.Obvious statement,I suppose.But my activities beg to differ from something that obvious.I am a unique creation of nature,just like everything and everyone else in nature.

And a free spirit,who is to answer the call of life..for life is calling:)

Not an adult, just a child

Walking down the memory lane,
I think of times that were more sane,
When i was free to be crazy and wild,
not a grown up,just a child...


How I miss those carefree times,
of simple math and nursery rhymes
I don't know if innocence applies here,
But there was definitely a lack of fear,
when imaginations could run wild,
not a grown up,just a child..

Incomplete homeworks , games all day long,
Life seemed a perpetual song,
Birthdays meant pouncing upon sweets and cakes,
inviting unwarranted stomach aches,
And just to stay away from school,
faking fevers and headaches.
And then couldn't deal with colds that were mild,
Not a grown up,just a child.

Now through my languid gaze,
I wonder where are those days,
Of laughter and fights,
learning the wrongs from the rights,
tears that followed,
pride to be swallowed,
my transition to an adult from a child

And love came calling....

From Inky-Gray to crystal blue,

Every season you have been through,

The colors of the sky and the seasons change,

Experiencing a spectacular range,

Having been through heaven and hell,

Lots to say,but nothing to tell,

Have the feelings made you numb?

Why do you stand,so mute ,so dumb?

Having ridden the crest and trough,

You have become really tough,

So why does the past,break into your shell,

creating an unrest,making you unwell?

And now when you have a spine of steel,

What's that once again you feel?

Sweet scents and rain droplets falling,

Once more,has love come calling?

Spread the goodwill...

It's not about trying to sound sagacious.Every so often one hears someone complaining about everything that is wrong with their lives.Every morning ,the crowd I see seems so caught up in the hustle-bustle of life.There is no sense of cheer on their faces.It's all about -"What's in store for me today?" and it's not even a happy tone.

It's true everyone has their own issues to deal with,their own challenges to face.But in the process,they have forgotten to take a break.You know,to appreciate the simpler things in life.Typically,"to stop and smell the roses".The one who dares to stop,automatically becomes a slow poke.

Whats' the rush?Where do you have to go?The ambitious ones are laughing--"Ya right!Like we have the time to tell.You stay in wonderland.We have some getting ahead in life to do".The lazy ones are freaking,"Please don't do this.You'll take away our identity and joy in life!!"

Two extremely valid points.Although that wasn't really what I was talking about.Did you see the sunrise today in spite of waking up early?Did you smell the morning air?Did you notice the rose in your garden?

Did you listen to your thoughts?Did you observe your feelings?Life goes on..in ways you could possibly not fathom.But be sure you make time to feel good about yourself.Thank God for the miracle of life.Spread joy ,cheer and a smile on someone's face everyday:)

Spread the goodwill...for life is short,but why shouldn't it be happy?

Packrat no more!!

"Gain of entropy eventually is nothing more nor less than loss of information". From a layman's point of view entropy is nothing but the degree of randomness in a closed system.But this particular definition is more of a tongue -in-cheek statement if deciphered carefully.Translated--The more opinions you get,the more confused you get!!!:)

While from a thermodynamic point of view,information is considered to be heat and is further simplified as energy,in a social setting such as ours,it leads to chaos,which eventually is entropy!!

Indians have this innate herd mentality.They don't experiment much.They stick to the tried and tested methods.Is it because of following traditions diligently,or pure laziness,one could never tell for sure.Indians lack neither intelligence,nor imagination.What they do lack,is the independence to make their own choices.They are afraid of failing more than in any other part of the world,simply because they are brought up in the belief that to fail is shameful.It is almost a crime here.

While westerners profess that -Failures are the stepping stone to success",back home,one failure draws a billion comparisons to the one who succeeded and criticisms for the one who didn't.Sadly,sometimes,it also decides the fate of an individual's life.

Every exam result announcement is followed by a spate of suicides.Every defeat in a sport is followed by an analysis,re-analysis and ultimate post-mortem of the defeat, by a panel of "experts".Mind you,these "experts" also consist of people who have absolutely no clue about either the game in question,or any other question for that matter!!The underlying idea here is that these experts,represent the common man,the questions the masses are seeking answers to.In other words,it represents the crowd.

But what is a crowd?It is the most random collection of people.It is the most perfect representation of the second law of thermodynamics.Watch them,observe them - in the market,theatre or bus station.Individually people may have minds of their own.But does the crowd have a mind?They come,they go,they cross each other,with no definite purpose in mind.Ever wondered why crowd control is a difficult job?

Discouraging sports in lieu of academics?Taking up engineering while your heart is in literature?Or working in the fields while you yearn to make music?Going to a job you hate everyday just coz it pays?Coz that's what is the right thing and that's what everyone else does.Really?

It's not about idealism."Be practical!What else will you do?"Being practical is what is tried and tested.But how would you know what else can be achieved unless you try?"What would the neighbours think?".Honestly,the neighbours have issues of their own to deal with.And your neighbours are not in-charge of your happiness.You are!

So what will it be then - follow the crowd or follow your dreams??

Just like a waving flag!!

That's a popular track this season...K'Naan's "waving flag" that is,what with the football world cup coming up.Quite a catchy tune.And my latest "happy song".Ya,it kinda puts me in a great frame of mind.Tells me - anything is possible,,,and all this even before I discovered what the lyrics were!!!It's probably the spirit of the song.

I was thinking,when a song composed so long ago can carry it's spirit to this day,what about me?
I am indeed a living spirit,aren't I?And a spirit will propagate only what it's been fed on.When that's the kind of simple logic that's being applied,it is only plain old common sense,that you fill your spirit with positive emotions.Shun out anything that makes you feel low.Just smile,believe your happiness is on its way,and wait.Patiently.

Don't ruffle any feathers.Don't exert yourself.If your part is done,the rest will follow.It is coming.Just wait, and watch:)

Been away for a while..

I knew I haven't blogged in while,but I didn't realize it had been this long!Well, my life is beginning to see a lot of positive changes!!For starters,My post has started of on a positive note:) I am now the proud holder of a 2 and 4-wheeler driver's license:P.

I am able to make time to pursue my "original love" - writing.I have composed quite a few poems and articles in these past months.Just that they didn't make it to the blog.Just as well.

Have decided to give my life a new direction.And this time I know it's the right thing because I actually feel good about it!I have never felt more sure of myself in a very long time.Interestingly,I don't even doubt my chances this time around.I think I am finally off my 8-year long exile from myself.How do I know?

My original confidence and arrogance is back!!Go figure!:D

The Secret...

...is to believe.You simply need to have unswerving,unwavering faith in your wishes,dreams,goals,whatever..Sooner or later it is bound to come true.It does!It doesn't really matter how seemingly impossible your wish sounds,a strong desire to realize your dreams actually sets all the forces of nature to start working on making that wish come true...I quote Shah Rukh Khan,"Itni shiddat se maine tumhe paane ki koshish ki hai,Ki zarre zarre ne mujhe tumse milaane ki saazish ki hai".Its not gibberish he was talking about.

Its like when Peter Pan said,"Every time you say faeries don't exist,a fairy falls dead somewhere".Children are the most pure and untarnished life forms.They lack fear until burned.But still they'll trustingly try again.Its constant caution from the elders that drills fear,or the notion of fear into their heads.Hence they stop trying to do anything brave.That's probably why we lack truly courageous people today.
Ever wonder why Prahalad emerged unscathed from the bonfire?Or how Jesus Christ could walk on water?All the scriptures,religious or otherwise,from time immemorial seem to have trying to teach and preach to us the power of faith.To give our faith a form,they gave it a face..which lead to religions.In the transformation,the original idea seems to have got lost and what was left behind was all the ugliness that stemmed from those means or methods that were used to implement these ideas.religious wars,castes, creed..stuff that people shouldn't really be caring about.Because even while performing a simple act like having your meal,you don't really know who toiled in the fields to produce the cereal,who was involved in the production and manufacturing(in case of canned food).
A prayer is merely conscious affirmation of your wish.A religious place ideally is a clean mind and a pure heart.Stone structures were built just in order to manifest a physical image,because (wo)man is a thinking creature.(S)he needs proof.

These are things I have heard before several times from several quarters.I have never been able to fathom the gravity of its meaning.Take out all the negativity that encompasses you.We need hope as much as we need love.And we need to place our faith in those hopes to actually make them come true.So don't forget the original lesson in the haze of what is left behind..

The hardest word..

Sorry..I am really very sorry.I apologise for my thoughtlessness.I dedicate this sorry to all those people I have ever hurt,knowingly or unknowingly.I used to have a 'gift' of words.I could 'play' with words.I used to be proud of my gift.Until recently,I didn't realize how dangerous this 'gift' is.I can be pretty lethal with words.I end up hurting people I care about the most in one moment of anger.It is again these words.'Sticks and stones may break your bones'.But any physical wound shall heal eventually.Words.Well,they stay.They leave an impression.Whoever said,"Bolne mein kya jaata hai",should rethink those words.

I have recieved a lot of flak regarding my directness of speech in the past.And I used to think of it as merely being honest.But not everybody needs to know the truth.And sometimes,some truths are best left unsaid.And then again, there are other times when you say things you don't really mean.Most likely in a moment of passionate anger.And then, people take you too literally.
It can crush friendships and relationships.Not everyone can rationalize emotions.If you could rationalize it,it wouldn't be called emotions.

Many things in life can be forgiven.But not a deliberate hurt.No matter how justified it seemed in your anger,when you cool off,you realize the pettiness of it all.Shortness of temper has been my vice for as long as I can remember.Maybe its time I worked on it.

Losing touch..

The topic may be misleading,or make perfect sense..either way it reflects my current state of mind..

Yes,I believe I am losing touch.with my innocence,my friends,my parents,my family,my cousins and relatives,my school n college days,my frivolousness,and strangely the most integral part of me..my poetry.I dunno if it is a good thing or not.Perhaps that's wat growing up is all about..either that or i have become extremely indifferent to my surroundings.

If I think about it..I am not that bad a person..People change..it's an evolutionary fact from Darwinian times..its nothing new really..in fact,I have seen several people close to me change over the years..And I have taken it in my stride..

What bugs me is that now,when I am showing signs of changing..suddenly people seem to have a problem with it.Hypocrites!Its a general problem with the world that they are so cocooned in familiarity that they hate change,especially with respect to their routines.Myself included.

I remember cribbing about having to shift my residence and change my routine of 10 years..then shifting back and changing my routine of 7 years..people find it more and more difficult to adapt as the grow older,being somewhat set in their ways.

My friends of nearly 12 years have moved out of city coz of their jobs..I'll be doing the same soon.Change is the only constant in the world.The sooner you realize and accept this fact,the better.I don't promise life to get easier,but it'll definitely get more bearable.

So when people don't keep their word,tell yourself they changed their mind.When people don't show up on time,tell yourself they changed their schedule.Of course it'll not help your frustration in any given way,but you won't have to fret and fume wondering "WHY????"Coz for once,you have a perfectly rational and valid reason,however unacceptable it may be under the circumstance.

Another birthday gone...I'm old!!

That's right...I feel old all of a sudden..I knew it was coming...I mean age is just another number...But suddenly i have surpassed my teens n my youth(in my mind i.e)... I used to wonder y women were inclined to hide their age as a child...Now suddenly..I think I know...I'm not paranoid bout my age....I'll happily own up to it..I'm 22!!.. But why is tat when a guy is 22 he seems to sound like a youngster...but a girl is reffered to as a lady...it does make her sound old!!When I was 18,people mistook me for a 15-yr-old...(I was of a small build..not so anymore..) Now I feel myself belonging to a totally different generation...I mean I don't catch the slang...i think the youngsters are too rowdy and I generally worry bout the direction our world is headed to(ya look at me doing grandma talk!!!) I'm more inclined towards charitable deeds,have started to ponder bout karma,and ve started to show increased faith in God almighty(Yeah i know I sound like a total freak for a 22-yr-old!!)I have always believed in the power of love..not the trashy stuff they show in the movies,but love in its most pure and untarnished form..selfless love.(Foreign concept to u..huh?).. Well anyway,my faith has seen some pretty unbelievable miracles unfold....it gives me hope sometimes..and makes me feel extremely sad at other times..Y?...coz not too many believe in such unwavering devotion or passion..Including the one I'm in love with...He doesn't believe there is such a thing as love..He thinks it is all just attraction...He believes I too am just fooling myself.. God bless him and his magnetic smile... I don't say anything to him coz i believe there is greater joy in self-discovery than in being taught by a stranger..Someday he'll know...I believe...

Holiday Blues...

Life's not easy...I know...But what does one do when life seems to get progressively from bad to worse?...One day I'm perfectly sure of what I want,but the very next day,I'm wonderin is that really what i want...Ya...I suppose my confusion is something I can attribute to my age...But then again..Isn't age just a state of mind?Hence,My state of mind suddenly comes under the scanner... Mind you..I'm no nutcase..(Pretty sure thats wat u r thinking right now!:))..sometimes my thouht process makes me feel wise beyond my age...at other times..I think.."How thick could I get?!".. I love to argue..N for reasons unfathomable to myself,I love to be on the other side...Simply to contradict the popular view...Somehow,it seems to give me a high... As long as there is someone jobless enough to sit n argue with me,things r great!But when I don't have an opponent,I seem to argue with myself....Do I contradict myself?...Just for academic interest I suppose...I seem to have a clear idea about what i dont want...But as for what I really want...Well..I still dunno.. There was a time when I used to base my decisions on my gut feeling..(Intuition n stuff..)..but off late I'm unable to hear my inner voice..................... Tragic isn't it?I love to sympathise with my state of mind from a third person's point of view(creepy I know..)..Through all my ups and downs,I always know what part of the current situation was my fault..N I readily accept it...What drives me wild is when the offender doesn't own up to his/her part of the damage.. Its a popular opinion regarding me that I'm too open,honest,straightforward for my own good...Ya so?..At least I don't have to resort to pretence to get my way around...Saves me so much of time and effort..Personally,I wish people would stop playing silly mind games ..It is indecent and disgusting...nd frankly I fail to understand how they can retain all the details of their make-believe life..And besides once their game is up(...how embarassing for them..)..I wonder will their life ever be the same again.. One of the cardinal rules according to me is,'never break my trust'..I'll forgive murder,stealing,lying(under extreme circumstances of course!!),but not breach of trust...coz most relationships are based on trust...I understand nobody is perfect..that includes myself...and I'm ok with it..So why pretend being someone you are not when some day the cat will definitely be outta the bag?