Losing touch..

The topic may be misleading,or make perfect sense..either way it reflects my current state of mind..

Yes,I believe I am losing touch.with my innocence,my friends,my parents,my family,my cousins and relatives,my school n college days,my frivolousness,and strangely the most integral part of me..my poetry.I dunno if it is a good thing or not.Perhaps that's wat growing up is all about..either that or i have become extremely indifferent to my surroundings.

If I think about it..I am not that bad a person..People change..it's an evolutionary fact from Darwinian times..its nothing new really..in fact,I have seen several people close to me change over the years..And I have taken it in my stride..

What bugs me is that now,when I am showing signs of changing..suddenly people seem to have a problem with it.Hypocrites!Its a general problem with the world that they are so cocooned in familiarity that they hate change,especially with respect to their routines.Myself included.

I remember cribbing about having to shift my residence and change my routine of 10 years..then shifting back and changing my routine of 7 years..people find it more and more difficult to adapt as the grow older,being somewhat set in their ways.

My friends of nearly 12 years have moved out of city coz of their jobs..I'll be doing the same soon.Change is the only constant in the world.The sooner you realize and accept this fact,the better.I don't promise life to get easier,but it'll definitely get more bearable.

So when people don't keep their word,tell yourself they changed their mind.When people don't show up on time,tell yourself they changed their schedule.Of course it'll not help your frustration in any given way,but you won't have to fret and fume wondering "WHY????"Coz for once,you have a perfectly rational and valid reason,however unacceptable it may be under the circumstance.

Like I care!!!

I composed this poem long back when I was finding it difficult to express my anger in a more tangible manner;)

"Oh!I am so sorry.

But hey! I don't feel so.

You were not cruel

when you left me behind

So when it came to me,

what's with the change of mind?

When you jumped at opportunity,

you were taking a "risk",

when I do the same,

suddenly,I am a selfish OPPORTUNIST?

When you were ahead of me,

I was supposed to be a sport.

Now when I am ahead of you,

suddenly,I am worse than dirt?

Do you know what you are?

You are a hypocrite!!!

For about the only things that suit YOU,

you'll declare to be right.

You used me and refused me,

smothered my voice and confused me!

Now when my mind is finally clear,

what's the matter my dear

Now this may sound rude,

maybe a bit crude:

When I lagged behind,

you left me for the dead.

But now that I'm here,

Sorry pal,my chance to get ahead!!!!"

Its a different thing that I am more than tangible these days!!

Master of my fate..

Yeah..I watched Aamir,the movie recently...psyched me out completely..Just the thought that someone else can take total control over your life,it's enough to give me nightmares...Kept wondering...All my childhood decisions were made by my parents...they always knew "What's best" for me...in school friends decided..in college the trend continued...Not that my say was non-existent..but it seems more like a formality when I think of it now..

Sometimes..in the quest to prove myself,I've taken some impulsive steps,stupid I guess considering some have had me falling flat on my face..But I guess its more of a quest of knowing who I am and what my worth is..

I remeber having an extremely trying time in school and college..I was taught that being obedient is a good thing..it has been kinda hardwired into my brain..disobeying doesn't come naturally to me...so when I do it,it seems kinda over the top...causing a lot of raised eyebrows..

I subject myself to a lot of introspection on every damn occasion...I think twice,perhaps a 1000 times before I say or do anything that involves hurting anybody's feelings...probably that is what gives me the image of being a sissy..I don't think of myself as a sissy though..I agree I cry a lot and that's because I seem to endure more than my fair share of trouble...ya I know everyone has their own share of troubles..but it tries my patience when I find relatively undeserving people getting credit for something...careless people getting things done faster when I would have gone thru proper channel.Delay at all kinda things seem to be my speciality..I'd lost confidence enough to think that I was jinxed or unlucky for people and started avoiding social gatherings..

But all through my struggles..I never once thought of giving it all up..coz my logical mind kept telling that I've not yet had my share of joy and I must probably wait to claim it.

So I guess I had a choice and I made my decision.I have sat through all kinds ofups and downs.I don't claim that my happiness is finally here..its just that I've finally learnt to find happiness in little things and make the most of it..how?Well,assume you miss the direct bus everyday..the day I catch it I'm in high spirits and consequently I remain so all day.

I've noticed that everytime I'm happy,everything seems to fall into place automatically,and its not that when things fall into place that I'm happy.It's kinda like the avalanche effect...a small thing snowballs into something really huge..whether I choose that something to be sorrow or joy.

So then I realize that it is still my choice.I still have the liberty to choose,hence I am the master of my fate.

As for Aamir,he chose to blow himself up instead of an entire locality of innocent lives..though the

villain was guiding him..ultimately he chose..he could've saved his life if he had wanted..but no.And that is the power of choice..and that makes you the master of your destiny

Awaiting divine intervention...

That's the only thing left..now that my passport won't budge and my life is reaching a point of no return...Plus,my SET hall ticket has gone missing..or so it seems..well..atleast it has not reached my address when all others who'd applied with me have already recieved theirs..

I try my level best not to be superstitious,but I guess I am failing misserably due to my current circumstances..not fatal...but then again..fate is playing an integral part..not funny anymore..self-pity is out!Anger is out...now I am practising indifference coz it seems to work on every other aspect of my life...Don't judge my apathy...I'm simply done waiting for anything..or anyone..

Losin my mind!!!

You know..holidays are a pain...the novelty and the freedom wears off in like 2 days..at max 1 week...after that,you are left to your own devices..its up to u as to how effectively you utilize it.

As long as u have something productive in mind..good..or else....its so sad..u get bugged of lazing about,surfing channels,reading novels and browsing the net.Daydreaming also turns into nightmares eventually.

Of course,in my case this is a self-imposed exile,considering i can actually go job-hunting if i want to...but well..the laziness bug has caught on..in fact,I guess I've perfected the art f doing nothing.(Mind you!Its not easy you know..)

Besides,I already have a joining date(Ya,I am a pompous bighead!I don't care what u think!)
Anyway...I've given up trying to make sense of my life..atleast I can kinda cook known delicacies(achievement of the holidays..and the only useful thing I guess)..

I've also compiled 39 poems of mine(self-composed!!!)...I've created html pages with pictures(I painted them on windows paint;)) for 3 of those poems so far(really jobless..ya i know...an ode to my CSE base)..

I've spent a lot of time pondering and re-pondering about a lot of stuff..I always wonder if there is ever a good time to give up on an unfulfilled pursuit..or will you be tagged a quitter..i'm still wondering....

Passport Ordeal...

Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" should be hanged!Of course clearly that person was in a delirium or someone had him/her at gunpoint.I didn;t have to face either..but a lot worse.You know..I think I'd have preferred gunpoint to running around for my passport... Oh..so u think obtaining a passport is no big deal?I applied for my passport on 13th May 2008,from my permanent residence which I had shifted to in march 2008. I guess I should have asked my inner voice to shut up and listened to my dad who asked me to simply apply from the old address to avoid complications..But no!A certain Gandhi would've been proud of me!Ha! Since I had not finished 1 yr here,I had to undergo 2 police verifications at 2 separate police stations...both of who never bothered to call me unless I went and enquired about my pending verification..my passport office summons(dated 4th july) reached some random neighbour who doesn't even know my name on 22nd july(Our effective postal sysytem..kudos!)...I had to visit the passport head office twice(wait in thequeue in hot sun for nearly 3 hours on each visit)..reverify and resubmit my address proof on every occasion and I still haven't obtained it,my passport i.e Normally, one is supposed to obtain his/her passport within a period of 45 days...as for me..73 days and still counting....

Eternal Loner

This I wrote over the past week coz...well..you'll see..It goes.. "In the bliss of solitude, I scrutinized my attitude. When in a crowd, I want to be lonely, On other occasions, I crave company. I guess I like company, Just as long as it doesn't bother me! Sincerity is a part of me, Loyalty comes naturally, But love continues to play hide-n-seek, my resolve to find it,is getting weak. My opinions reflect my psyche, unsure,undecided,but filled with honesty. I let anyone and anything bother me, Yet believe myself to be carefree! I do have friends,so many, But do I really trust any? Don't get me wrong,they're very nice, but I tend to notice,sweet talk and lies. Am I any better?Definitely not! But I still don't like to mix with the lot. Am I full of contradictions? I subject myself to introspection. Sometimes I think I'm a hopeless goner, or perhaps just the Eternal loner" - Renju.S.Kumar 18/07/08 Oh by the way I got my 8th sem results....84%...Topped my dept finally...Am I gloating? Definitely!!Its not an everyday occurence,is it?As they say...Better late than never!!!:)

You killed the romantic in me....

This is a poem I composed durin one of my CIP classes(8th sem VTU students will know!)....Well I'd say for once I put a CIP class to good use..of course I was thinking about a certain someone..and this is what I composed...(Mind you,this is an original work so don't dare fudge it,else..I curse you to rot in hell!!!!!) Here goes... "You came,you saw,you conquered, What?I'm not so sure But you'll have to take my word, You made me restless,is there a cure? There's nothing special about you, If I stop and think rationally, You made me rationalize my love, You have killed the romantic in me... They say time heals the worst wound, I won't say that its untrue, But my wound only seems to get more deep, Tell me,what do I do? There was a time when, Anything about you made me smile. Today,I can gaze at you, but that feeling coming,takes a while. I'm not confused about what I feel, I've loved you for so lon. But now if I sit back and think, I realize,for me,you're so wrong. Trying to forget you, tore me apart. Maybe some fine day, you won't be missed in my heart" -Renju.S.Kumar 09/07/08

Attitude

This is a poem I composed last night....

"I've endured my share of struggle,
I've overcome many an obstacle,
I don't claim to have reached the peak,
Though,eventually,that is what I seek.

I am what I am,
right here,right now,today.
But about tommorow..
Well,who really can say?

There is no such thing,
as a lost cause.
Its your life,your fate,
hence,you are the boss!

Whether you continue or quit,
Is your personal choice,
To stay on the victor's end,
listen to your inner voice..
If you think you deserve somethin'
Believe in yourself,you can win.

It's lonely at the top I hear,
That's no cause for concern or fear,
because not too many,
attempt the impossible & make it look easy.

Remember that,"The winner takes it all"
But in the event of a fall,
If someone undeserving is chosen over you,
Instead of feigning bravado,And telling ,"its ok! I'll be fine!"
To whomsoever it may concern,you say,
"Hey!Its your loss,not mine!!!"

-Renju.S.Kumar
06/07/08(Interesting date huh??)

Right here,right now...

"Here's to me and here's to you, And here's to love and laughter, I'll be true as long as you, Not a moment after" -Linda Goodman I guess that while penning these 4 lines Linda Goodman didn't realize she was infact penning the modern day mantra...Each person to himself/herself(Get used to it..I am a self-declared feminist!)..Trust remains only so long as it has not been broken...And once it has ben broken..there is no looking back...We all live for ourselves..and have no qualms with the 'Live and let live' principle...But "tread on my toes and I'll squash you!!" it is a silent but implicit message.. I'm a huge fan of hers..Linda Goodman tat is...Have read Sunsigns,Lovesigns and star signs...all being her compositions...I won't call myself the superstitious kind...but I'm drawn to her compositions..She makes more sense than most other astrologers..I like her becoz she draws on the behavioral characteristics of people.I think I'm someone like her on occasions...I like to observe people,their behavioral traits,their characteristics,...just for academic purposes.. Y? Coz no soap opera,movie or reality show matches what you can see right in front of you!!I try not to judge anyone(I'm still trying!)I wouldn't call myself a great judge of character(I mean for all my surface nonchalance..I do end up making the dumbest of acquaintances!!)My first instinct about most people are pretty good...And when i think that someone is a shady character..(translated here..it means this person could cause me personal damage!)..I think i should simply go with my gut instinct.. Instead,however,I just convince myself that I'm judging too harshly and perhaps that person deserves a chance,...another chance,..this last chance....And thus continue my string of bad judgements..Inevitably,my gut instinct wins..and laughs at me,pointing a finger in my direction! "Shame on u if u fool me once' Shame on me if u fool me twice" -Shania Twain I should probably wear the crown of being in a fool's paradise...But all is not lost..Just that I wish I could be as straightforward as the 4 lines of Linda Goodman...And you know what..Maybe I will..

Another birthday gone...I'm old!!

That's right...I feel old all of a sudden..I knew it was coming...I mean age is just another number...But suddenly i have surpassed my teens n my youth(in my mind i.e)... I used to wonder y women were inclined to hide their age as a child...Now suddenly..I think I know...I'm not paranoid bout my age....I'll happily own up to it..I'm 22!!.. But why is tat when a guy is 22 he seems to sound like a youngster...but a girl is reffered to as a lady...it does make her sound old!!When I was 18,people mistook me for a 15-yr-old...(I was of a small build..not so anymore..) Now I feel myself belonging to a totally different generation...I mean I don't catch the slang...i think the youngsters are too rowdy and I generally worry bout the direction our world is headed to(ya look at me doing grandma talk!!!) I'm more inclined towards charitable deeds,have started to ponder bout karma,and ve started to show increased faith in God almighty(Yeah i know I sound like a total freak for a 22-yr-old!!)I have always believed in the power of love..not the trashy stuff they show in the movies,but love in its most pure and untarnished form..selfless love.(Foreign concept to u..huh?).. Well anyway,my faith has seen some pretty unbelievable miracles unfold....it gives me hope sometimes..and makes me feel extremely sad at other times..Y?...coz not too many believe in such unwavering devotion or passion..Including the one I'm in love with...He doesn't believe there is such a thing as love..He thinks it is all just attraction...He believes I too am just fooling myself.. God bless him and his magnetic smile... I don't say anything to him coz i believe there is greater joy in self-discovery than in being taught by a stranger..Someday he'll know...I believe...

Holiday Blues...

Life's not easy...I know...But what does one do when life seems to get progressively from bad to worse?...One day I'm perfectly sure of what I want,but the very next day,I'm wonderin is that really what i want...Ya...I suppose my confusion is something I can attribute to my age...But then again..Isn't age just a state of mind?Hence,My state of mind suddenly comes under the scanner... Mind you..I'm no nutcase..(Pretty sure thats wat u r thinking right now!:))..sometimes my thouht process makes me feel wise beyond my age...at other times..I think.."How thick could I get?!".. I love to argue..N for reasons unfathomable to myself,I love to be on the other side...Simply to contradict the popular view...Somehow,it seems to give me a high... As long as there is someone jobless enough to sit n argue with me,things r great!But when I don't have an opponent,I seem to argue with myself....Do I contradict myself?...Just for academic interest I suppose...I seem to have a clear idea about what i dont want...But as for what I really want...Well..I still dunno.. There was a time when I used to base my decisions on my gut feeling..(Intuition n stuff..)..but off late I'm unable to hear my inner voice..................... Tragic isn't it?I love to sympathise with my state of mind from a third person's point of view(creepy I know..)..Through all my ups and downs,I always know what part of the current situation was my fault..N I readily accept it...What drives me wild is when the offender doesn't own up to his/her part of the damage.. Its a popular opinion regarding me that I'm too open,honest,straightforward for my own good...Ya so?..At least I don't have to resort to pretence to get my way around...Saves me so much of time and effort..Personally,I wish people would stop playing silly mind games ..It is indecent and disgusting...nd frankly I fail to understand how they can retain all the details of their make-believe life..And besides once their game is up(...how embarassing for them..)..I wonder will their life ever be the same again.. One of the cardinal rules according to me is,'never break my trust'..I'll forgive murder,stealing,lying(under extreme circumstances of course!!),but not breach of trust...coz most relationships are based on trust...I understand nobody is perfect..that includes myself...and I'm ok with it..So why pretend being someone you are not when some day the cat will definitely be outta the bag?

Winter Sunshine

Alright! So I am finally making an entrance to the world of blogging!(Ya..Ya too late..I know! But better late than never..right?) Kinda bored now that I'm done with my exams..(like you care..)..so anyways,Today I'm in the mood to speak bout...well me!:-)Ok jokes apart...lets talk bout poetry..(Guys..please stop yawning!) My love affair with poetry began when i was really young..I guess I was 5..(believe me it is true!) I wrote 4 lines on the rain...Infact it is the rain more often than not that sets me in a mood for composing. As expected,those 4 lines were pretty lame,but all the same..(Hey watch me!I'm already rhyming stuff!!:-))..I won't include those 4 lines here coz I doubt it may affect my future prospects as a poetess(ya...feminist..its true)...but more importantly because,I don't really remember it that well!!!! Moving on,over the years I've written a lot of poems(standard length-16 lines...can exceed that sometimes..but the end result isn't very good)...I've a compilation of alll these poems in my old english classwork...And have named it "Winter Sunshine"(hence the name of this blog). Why "Winter Sunshine"?..I guess mostly coz all my poems,or atleast most of them were composed when i was having the blues..Hence "winter"...and by the end of my composition,I realize its too negative and give myself hope by putting hope into the poem as well...Hence "Sunshine". You know,typing stuff on the net isn't as fun as writing stuff into ur personal diary...but anyways...I've just started.Let's see how far I go.. In case you are wondering where's the sample of my poetry..Here goes an excerpt from 'Dear Friends of mine' "In your presence,I didn't realize your essence, Now in your absence,My loneliness is intense, So jump over and cross that fence, And come back to me,My dear friends" So long...see ya