Nothing Fancy about this

My last post was essentially garbage. And I am aware that I have lost my earlier skills with the written word.I was discussing this development with my cousin among a barrage of other complaints. And he made a profound statement- "Writing is not about using fancy words ".

Agreed. Hence the title of the current post.So here I am, trying to introspect what my writing is all about. Am I narrating a story? Making a social commentary? Talking about the current affairs? Taking a stab at Fantasy/ Fiction?

No. I am trying to find my voice. And in my voice I am searching for my authentic self. That person who vanished long back having dealt with enough discouragement to last a lifetime. I need to find her.That confident half of me. I miss her. I am so lost without her.

A for Average...

This morning, I read a very nice article on the editorial page of the Indian express . What impressed me most was that it was written by a 17 year old boy. It was both entertaining and engaging and had a piece of his soul in it.But the best part, was that he'd written about why it's okay to be an average person.

This article has been strangely cathartic to me ever since I read it this morning.It has inadvertently revealed my blind spot to me.I am Average. There. I said it. All of a sudden, a lot of hitherto unexplained phenomena specific to my life have started making sense.

It is said that we are the sum Average of the 5 people we spend our maximum time with.I have been in the company of the studious, the fun-loving and the jerk kinds. And every association has managed to run some of itself on my being.

Cut to today, I don't have the same friends or acquaintances as before.Heck, I don't really have any friends. My Facebook friend list is a farce and instagram and twitter followers are the characters of the satire called "My Life".

Of course, there is the ever dependable family- husband and daughter. All my skills as a polyglot is lost on them. 5 languages and I still don't get through to them.

My parents, of course, are in a league of their own.They have done their job in the way they knew best - by not letting us suffer. Hence, the life lessons I should have probably learned a good 15 years ago are watching and waiting patiently for me.

One of the most profound sayings I have ever heard is - 'in order to shine like the sun, be prepared to burn like one'. It makes complete sense except that personally, I have never been willing to burn. Yeah hard work has never been my thing.

I have always just done enough to get by. 10th std. was a breeze. It was in my 12th that I first realised that I had a blind spot. But in the god gifted wisdom, I deduced that it is something to do with my stars and time, and not the obvious lack of hard work.

I knew I was goofing off. I'd discovered my lifelong frenemy - procrastination. Right before I made any life altering decisions, she'd arrive, to seduce me with her temptations and instant gratification. The candle light of activity that was lit bright, sways to her whims and fancies, and I lose the first of a million such games of desire.

Happiness is found in the simple things. But does simple translate into lazy? Well, that's what I believed, or rather, decided to believe.

So while I wasn't putting in the effort, I decided praying fervently to an all seeing almighty isn't a bad idea, seeing as someone needed to cover up for my lack of work.Big mistake.

The thing about hard work is that it's a misnomer. The work in itself is not hard if your effort is sincere. It requires persistence and practice. The true mark of hard work is when the work done gives you satisfaction. It is not a chore to get rid off, but a stimulant to your brain cells. Something you can do for hours together and wouldn't even realise that it took you that time.

You would finish your work and have a smile of satisfaction, job satisfaction.

I haven't smiled that smile in a very long time. Yeah, it's about time to pull up these Average socks and start working towards being exceptional and irreplaceable.

Back to square one

That's precisely where I'm at.Life's gone a full circle on me,and I'm at the center of it.

There are 2 ways of looking at it.Either that I'm back at the beginning, or that I'm better equipped to handle the challenges life can throw at me.

I choose the second perspective. Life's good.

Always, always, always the best friend

Do looks really matter?

For the record,I'm not a looker.I have no illusions about my physical appearance.I am what one would term,"average".On a bad hair day,with my permanent buck teeth,I look positively ghastly.

If you're wondering,this is not self-deprecation.I'm not looking for sympathy or consolation.These are the plain facts.And the fact that you feel the urge to console me on my looks,proves me right!Looks do matter.

All through my childhood,I've had to work twice as hard to get half the recognition a better looking person is lavished with.They don't deserve the attention!They were born with the looks,didn't have to work to look that good.But oh,the rewards!Always the recipient of unjustified rewards.

Do I sound jealous?It's because you also know I just made a profound statement,

Good looking people can get away with murder.

The unattractive ones,the ones who are actually fun,well-mannered and kind-hearted,get their feelings stomped on with an alarming frequency.

Hence,they adapt a very handy shield.The guys becomes the clowns,and the girls turn tomboys,as their claim to fame.

Evidently,this choice puts them permanently on the "friend zone".Yes,there is such a thing.The unluckier ones fall in "the best friend zone".Haven't you heard it often enough,"But we're just friends","You are my best friend in the whole world ,but I don't see you that way".

Ya right! Try repeating that with a straight face when your "best friend" is a Brad Pitt or an Angelina Jolie.Why,even homegrown Rahul Dravid or a Ranbir Kapoor with all the controversy surrounding him would never be "just a friend".Bloody hypocrites!

Having been there,watching your crush dismiss you like an annoying flea,or your  love interest chasing after the pretty bitch(yes,the pretty ones always are!),I know what it feels like.

To joke away your  own feelings,,to console the bastard that's breaking your heart and watch him feel better as you make self-deprecating jokes,part of your presence in his life.

Yeah,been there,done all that - wishing on shooting stars,fasting and praying,being the kindest and most sensitive soul within miles.All that gets registered though,is your being too available.

Finally,like the chick flicks everyone likes to scorn,the makeover.You feel a sense a shallowness wash over you as you succumb to it,and reality hit you as you discover the obvious - it works!

Of course,the made over look barely touches your attitude.If it does,Abracadabra!You are now a beautiful swan!

If not,you're always ,always,always going to be the world's best friend!

What really matters?

It's interesting to notice that off late, I'm at a constant loss of words. I used to take pride in my ability to articulate almost anything. Yet, these days I find it difficult to string together simple thoughts. Do I lack coherence? Yes. Why? Perhaps, I overdo the thinking part. 

Is it bad?  Yes.  Why? Because, I'm constantly at battle in my mind. So? I am never at peace with myself. Hmmmm.... Interesting. 

Now, what if the introspection stopped? Well, atleast I can have a single mind. 

Good. And so it shall be! 

This is me, then!

There's a common notion that love is pain, that joy is inevitably followed by sorrow, that life is a vicious cycle and that everything is an illusion.

These notions are bullshit! You are alive, full of life, blessed with health and an ability to create your own happiness. Harness that power. Utilize it to the max! You are meant to be happy, so be! Smile :-) 

The delete undelete dilemma

It's been quite sometime since I blogged.And all because someone told me that I become very transparent in my blogs.That one can easily see through me.It was quite an unsettling thought
It made me pretty uncomfortable.I stopped writing.I started introspecting every move of mine.
In the process,I stopped being myself.

I do realize this blog seems like my online diary.And yes,it will be like that coz everytime I write,I put a part of myself into it.With good reason too.I don't write things I dont feel or believe in.Writing is my only passion.Sure,I guess some things are private and should be kept off the cyberspace.

But there is nothing in this blog that I am even remotely ashamed of.So why should I be thinking twice about owning up to my thoughts and feelings.Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite?

There are times when I did consider deleting this blog.But I never could. I cherish this part of me.(And believe me there are not too many things in life that I do cherish).I love writing.I love putting my thoughts out for everyone to see(Egoistic me!!:) Obnoxious?Hell yeah!!

Besides,this is MY blog.Visitors are welcome.Only,they get to read MY thoughts.So enter at your own risk!!

Why?

For some time now,
I have nursed a dream,
And now that it is achievable,
Why do I miss the obstacles that were?
Is it too easy?
Is it worth the struggle?
Is it just another distraction?

Am I shouting?

It started off as a childish act,
what would later become a hard fact,
"Don't climb trees!Behave around boys!!",
So I climbed the highest tree after stealing their toys!

My childish prank they did forgive,
But not the rules about how I should live,
Was it my narrow-minded world views?
What others accepted as norm,to me was news.

In my own way,I put up a fight,
For what I believed in,and thought my right;
I recoiled in shock and disgrace,
when I was told I'm wrong,to my face!

It took me a while to realize,
That it was a mindset that cut me to size.
It would take another to recognize,
The world is sustained on a web of lies.

So here I stand,raising my voice,
When all complain about the needless noise.
All these farcical rules,I am flouting,
To make my point,Am I shouting?

Tat tvam asi

It's wierd how life is the greatest leveller.You think you are in charge,and then..Voila! Life happens!
The funny thing about life is, we can only understand and appreciate it in retrospective.
While it's happening right before us, we are in a complete state of disarray! Foiled plans, shattered dreams,
broken hearts and all that jazz.

But it's only in retrospective that we realize, how it was the best thing that could have happened to us.
How some plans would have been suicidal.How some jerks would have ruined our lives.How some failures taught us more than had it been a success in the first place.

Yes, we all have regrets, about what should have or could have been...but instead of lamenting over that something we have no control over, if we are willing to acknowledge and appreciate what we have today, the world would be a much better place....

For at the end of the day..what are we? Anything that we conceive and perceive..that we become..that we acheive..Tat tvam asi

Forgive to Forget

I've been holding in a lot of bitterness for a while now. I've finally released it today.Man!It feels great!!
It's like a great load is off my chest.And I can smile again.The smile that could light up my eyes and a several thousand lives :)

It's true.Unless you forgive, you can't forget.And in order to forget,you must be willing to forgive.So, I forgive you, for all the wrongs done.I forgive myself,for being so bitter so long.I forgive the world, that failed to understand me through it all.

I am free of all bondages.I am free to start my life again. To smile without guile and to be happy because I actually feel it.

There!I'm done fretting.I've arrived in the today!!

Musings

It’s been a while,

Since a smile,

Adorned my face,

In all it’s grace,

For all the tears,

Through the years,

That I had cried,

And then they dried,

And now you’re here,

I peek through despite my fear,

Is this light I see?

Are we meant to be??

From Atheism to Prayer..

Radical changes, I suppose :) For someone who has sworn by atheism all her life(ironic usage- to swear!!),I am beginning to see light in the concept of prayer.No,it does not account for the ugliness of religion,but yes,it mostly involves introspection,assertion and meditation.This is spirituality - my way!

It doesn't say I am a sinner and I need to be punished for all the wrongs and glorified for my rights.Niether do I wanna propogate the fantastic notion that I am God.It is more of the notion that - God resides within me,as me.Just need to listen to that presence.And that listening requires me to quieten all the noise constantly buzzing around me,making things hazy.

Hence the prayer - To admit something is not as desired and to state the conflict in clear terms.To assert what is desired and why.To be clear about one's objectives,without any doubt about the reason for that desire.

The meditation - To quieten the anxiety associated with the desire and to listen to your inner voice for guidance.

There is no need for an idol of any sort,just the faith that if there exists a problem,there also exists a solution.
It's that simple,really.

Moment of truth :)

Introspection in full flow..first question..why do I need to talk?What's my innate need to ramble away to glory?I wasn't this talkative as a kid!!

Answer : As a kid, I used to doodle..draw..the outlet to all my expressions.What's talking but a way of expressing oneself?A picture speaks a thousand words(probably that's the reason when I drew,I didn't need to talk that much :P It all makes sense :D)

11:11 PM.Hmmm...what do I wish for?Stop acting crazy!!(Naah...it's who I am;))

Ok...I had to let all that out of my system. I may not be too proud of myself when I see this post next time around :D Ehh..well...guess it's worth it!!!

Goodbye Blog!!

Back to writing diaries :)

Hope...keeps the world afloat..

Well yes..isn't that true?No matter how many hardships we face, we conquer them.And while the adage goes - once bitten,twice shy..sometimes we trustingly try again.What justifies such irrational behaviour?It's a single emotion - Hope.

Been through a lot of seemingly negative experiences off late.Not complaining.It gave me an opportunity to grow,to discover hitherto latent talents for one!It helped rediscover myself,this time, through my own eyes.

It has been an agelong folly of mine, to measure my self worth through another person's point of view.I need to give myself a break!These days, I've adopted a new way of life. Now, I love it when people take me for an idiot, it makes it all the more fun to prove them wrong ;)

I've come to realize I am an extremely strong person.Stronger than I give myself credit for.As a kid, I was a famous 'cry baby'.Over the years, I have turned into an uncannily dry-eyed adult.

Crying is a release mechanism.It is required when you are holding in a lot of baggage.I have learnt to let go off mine.That's probably why I don't cry anymore.I have learnt to accept things as they are...which, strangely isn't the same as giving up.It's probably the wisdom of knowing that events/circumstances are not always going to be in your control.But, that does not imply one should get worked up.It only means, you have been provided with a new avenue to discover your happiness!

At the end of the day, every human being wants to be loved and accepted, appreciated for being who they are.Living in constant pressure of undue expectations,and fear of failing to live up to those expectations..that's not what life is all about.It shouldn't be what life is all about!!

Life is about being happy and joyous at every stage.And how can one appreciate sunshine without a bit of rain?On hindsight,at the end of it all, one also gets to discover the wonderful rainbow:)

Personality disorder?

Been thinking about my past today..childhood memories and stuff like that..been going over my growth over the years...strangely draining experience...only one thing that I really enjoyed in the montage of images flashing through my mind...I am a very interesting person :) I have a plethora of interests and sub-interests if you may!

I am a simple person who seems complicated..or a complex person who appears simple:) Heck I can't confirm for myself...keeps me interested in myself:D Obnoxious? Maybe..although I'd say I am someone who got lost in my own mind ;)

Higher Calling..

Been watching a lot of motivational videos off late. Summarized my understanding of what I think is the common message conveyed through all of them -

Pain is temporary,but if you quit,it'll last forever.At the end of pain is success.Our purpose in life, is to love unconditionally - KINDNESS,TOLERANCE,FAITH,HOPE,JOY and HAPPINESS - every living being needs it.
LOVE enables us to provide all of this.You have been endowed with a gift.A gift to love unconditionally.A gift that will always and only bring joy to the receiver.So go on, spread the joy while you can.
The world seems to have forgotten that these simple values are what life is truly made of.And it's time the world re-discovered them.

I believe in me...but in you I trust

Moving out of my comfort zone,
Exploring a path hitherto unforeknown,
Strangely the adventure doesn't bother me,
As much as my sense of invincibility.
Uncertain thoughts constantly cross my mind,
Am I bordering on foolishness,being blind?
But then I think of the goal I seek,
And strength surges through,I'm no longer weak.
Will I succeed in my endeavour,you ask?
I think of my goal,and proceed completing my task.
No point in shouting words of caution till you're hoarse,
Sometimes you need to let time run its course.
Eventually I'll succeed,I trust,
Until then,trudge along my path I must

In Oblivion....

Am I devoid of emotion?
Why can't I compose a poem?
I cry,but no tears flow.
I'm cold,but i felt no breeze blow.
My soul screams out my pain.
But I don't feel it....insane?
From an active participant,
have I turned mute spectator?
So many suppressed feelings,
I enjoy the void,content in its constance.
Nothing to ruffle me,cause ripples in my calm.
It's the first ,when I've used my wounds as my balm.
If grief truly is joy,
turned inside out,
I've found my healing touch,
without a doubt!

An interesting conversation :)

I received feedback about my previous article. I ended up having an interesting conversation with one of my friends regarding the same.I thought it was something worth putting up on the blog :)

It could probably help/guide someone else:

Actions ▼

me: http://abstractandbeyond.blogspot.com/

Shreyas: ???

me: i need feedback.Thank you

Sent at 7:57 PM on Thursday

Shreyas: its 13th july not 14th

me: yeah

thanks for pointing it out

this is why i need feedback

Sent at 7:59 PM on Thursday

me: just the terror article

Shreyas: ok

me: what do u think?

Shreyas: Easy said than done

well put i would say

me: hehe

but it's practical i think

Shreyas: i wasn't aware of some of the points you mentioned

me: it just needs will

as in?

Sent at 8:08 PM on Thursday

Shreyas: It needs awareness, one which come from education - illiteracy is the issue here and other to keep them well informed (talking about the working class).

talking about will yes but it is the case of 'apna daal pakana'

me: true

but illiteracy doesn't stand in the way of common sense

Shreyas: for eg. take bribery, i had to get education loan so i needed my house papers from BBMP and I had to warm their hands

thats why I said awareness , to be well informed.

me: actually

bribing has become a way of life

if all people start refusing to payit'llautmaticlly set in the new trend

check out our reformed auto-wallahs for instance

now they charge metre fare from beniganahalli to my place

earlier Rs.30 was std rate

now i dont budge

if they say more

i say suit urself

Sent at 8:14 PM on Thursday

me: i couldn't believe itwhen they took just 17 rs

finally

Shreyas: I don't understand how hate and violence can be ingrained in a person that they can kill others

me: its all about money

poor people do anythin for money

if they aresufficiently agitated

Shreyas: Ture

true

yes poverty is crippling

me: yeah

u can deal with extrenal militia

Shreyas: all these issues are just symptoms, the core is unhealthy

me: butwataboutthose who turn rebels within the country due to governmental apathy?

no its not just that

u check out sharad pawar

he was food and agricultural minister in the cabinet

but he was more interested in duties as BCCI/ICC cheif

and check out how foodgrains rotted in here

while people were hungry

Shreyas: Uff dont talk about that, punjab tons and tons of food grains rotting

me: why not?

someone needs to talk

u see things happening around

speak up

the more u stay quiet and accept

it becomes a way of life

and soon

u wontresent anything

i experimented with the auto guys

and itworked!

Shreyas: you need masses

me: i see hope

well - boond boond saagar banta hai

Shreyas: you need to understand the system

me: who makes the system?

we do!

we validate it into existence

stop validating

and automatically

the system gets customised according to ur convenience

Shreyas: That is what anna is trying to do

me: yeah

thing is

he's an old guy

he needs the younger ones to carry through

but all the young ones are stuckupin s/w jobs -well-paid and high flyers

who just wanna catch somesleep

too tired

the rest are pursuing higher studies outside the nation

Shreyas: Look at Karnataka

me: and serving those countries with their prodigous skill

i have noticed

unless its about cricket

Shreyas: its a mockery, YSR is busy saving his own behind, other when in power did not do anything, now not letting him to do any thing

me: ppl aregenerally ashamed of india

they dont think of culture and heritage

say india

and the mental image formed is that of corruption,garbage and stink

that image needs to go

it's all aboutpersonal glory

no one cares boutt others

all wanna save their own backs

Shreyas: yes, i know indians thenselves look down upon the systems here

me: exactly

even the poorest american or chinese is proud of his nation

and wierdly so is pakistan

indians- on the contraty are a cynical bunch

they just find faults

dont offer any plausible solutions

and expectsomeone else to take careof theirissues

even yesterday

rest of the country yelling at govt failures

but mumbai

they just went back to work

they dont care

coz they know

only they can help themselves

govt can only do so much

restis always up tou

Sent at 8:32 PM on Thursday

Shreyas: people know they are helpless, in the fact like this is life, only the ones who have suffered know the agony

me: aren't u sunshine?

no

noone is helpless

ppl are just too lazy

Sent at 8:38 PM on Thursday

Shreyas: not lazy, until it happens to them they will not stand up.

me: yeah

thattoo

Sent at 8:40 PM on Thursday

me: they're just too laid bacl

*back

Shreyas: not laid back, life keep them busy, just get on with their work

me: hmmm

it's not about being busy,

it's aboutpriorities

noticed how work takes a backseat when u have an emergency athome?

tats wat life is about

priorities

Sent at 8:43 PM on Thursday

I thank Shreyas for permitting me to share this chat transcript:)