The hardest word..

Sorry..I am really very sorry.I apologise for my thoughtlessness.I dedicate this sorry to all those people I have ever hurt,knowingly or unknowingly.I used to have a 'gift' of words.I could 'play' with words.I used to be proud of my gift.Until recently,I didn't realize how dangerous this 'gift' is.I can be pretty lethal with words.I end up hurting people I care about the most in one moment of anger.It is again these words.'Sticks and stones may break your bones'.But any physical wound shall heal eventually.Words.Well,they stay.They leave an impression.Whoever said,"Bolne mein kya jaata hai",should rethink those words.

I have recieved a lot of flak regarding my directness of speech in the past.And I used to think of it as merely being honest.But not everybody needs to know the truth.And sometimes,some truths are best left unsaid.And then again, there are other times when you say things you don't really mean.Most likely in a moment of passionate anger.And then, people take you too literally.
It can crush friendships and relationships.Not everyone can rationalize emotions.If you could rationalize it,it wouldn't be called emotions.

Many things in life can be forgiven.But not a deliberate hurt.No matter how justified it seemed in your anger,when you cool off,you realize the pettiness of it all.Shortness of temper has been my vice for as long as I can remember.Maybe its time I worked on it.

From a slumdog to the Oscars...

There is hope.We live on hope.Slumdog millionaire wins 8 Oscars at the 81st annual academy awards!Congratulations!!I am truly a proud Indian today:)

The tag line of the movie is,"It is destiny".I dunno what my destiny is.But the movie is primarily based on the theme of hope and love..pure,innocent and untarnished,in spite of all the hardships faced by the protagonists in the movie.And it is this hope that finally makes all things right for them.

I guess we all could take a leaf from their book.In these times of recession,economic downfall and all things negative,despair and helplessness is prevalent.But just as a single ray of the sun declares the end of night,a single ray of hope can end despair.And that is but an accepted truth.It is also what keeps us going.

The movie has romanticised poverty.I am not telling that it is the kind of life one would envy,but all the same,it leaves you with sunshine in your heart:)

What struck me the most was the humility with which A.R Rahman,the only person to win 2 Oscars tonight(an award coveted the world over),received the award.He has been honoured with awards since the time he's been making music.The first Indian to win 2 Oscars.He also has a golden globe to his credit.And numerous filmfares(an award coveted in the Indian film fraternity).Yet for all his talent and fame,he is so humble.Its like the fame doesn't seem to touch him at all.He's just an ordinary person who creates music.The only thing is ,that music touches a million souls world over.And he thanks his mom and the God almighty for everything.

I have never had that kind of unwavering faith in God or anyone else.That probably explains why I am where I am.Its only human to feel disappointed.And when it happens over and over again,it only gets to you all the more.But today,watching that man,Allah Rakha Rahman,known and accepted by the world as a musical genius,I feel so small.More specifically,insignificant.

The one thing about success,love or anything worth having is,I know,it never comes without a struggle.This genius comes from a humble background.He has made it big.It didn't happen overnight.The only thing he never lost is passion and faith in his work and of course God.And that I believe is his strength.And what makes him unreachable and sagacious,is his humility through all of it.

I guess, in his success story,there lies a lesson for all of us,in one way or the other.And I believe that he,is the slumdog millionaire in the true sense.Although a man as great as him could never be likened to a dog.We are very proud of you Mr.A.R Rahman,Jai Ho!!

The things I do for you.....

I'm so sure I hate u,
I can vouch for it too,
I hate your smile,
I hate your eyes,
Everything about you,
I despise!!
All your sweet talk,
were big fat lies!
And here I was thinking,
that you were nice!!
I hate having you around,
I hate your voice,your sound.
I hate it when you look at me,
I hate your audacity,
when you ask me,"What's wrong?"
I hate it even more now,
our silence has grown strong.
No!You didn't make any promise,
you are not mine to miss,
I was minding my business,
going my own way.
You were the one who stopped me,
and convinced me to stay.
I've endured the heartache,
had a splendid heartbreak,
You trampled on my heart,
tore me apart,
Ripped through my sentiment,
Left many - a - dent,
The only reason I didn't react,
is coz i love you too much,
To hurt you in the slightest,
by a look,word or touch.
Most of all I thank you,
for teaching me to hate.
After all you were the first,
to ever ask me on a date!!!!

Losing touch..

The topic may be misleading,or make perfect sense..either way it reflects my current state of mind..

Yes,I believe I am losing touch.with my innocence,my friends,my parents,my family,my cousins and relatives,my school n college days,my frivolousness,and strangely the most integral part of me..my poetry.I dunno if it is a good thing or not.Perhaps that's wat growing up is all about..either that or i have become extremely indifferent to my surroundings.

If I think about it..I am not that bad a person..People change..it's an evolutionary fact from Darwinian times..its nothing new really..in fact,I have seen several people close to me change over the years..And I have taken it in my stride..

What bugs me is that now,when I am showing signs of changing..suddenly people seem to have a problem with it.Hypocrites!Its a general problem with the world that they are so cocooned in familiarity that they hate change,especially with respect to their routines.Myself included.

I remember cribbing about having to shift my residence and change my routine of 10 years..then shifting back and changing my routine of 7 years..people find it more and more difficult to adapt as the grow older,being somewhat set in their ways.

My friends of nearly 12 years have moved out of city coz of their jobs..I'll be doing the same soon.Change is the only constant in the world.The sooner you realize and accept this fact,the better.I don't promise life to get easier,but it'll definitely get more bearable.

So when people don't keep their word,tell yourself they changed their mind.When people don't show up on time,tell yourself they changed their schedule.Of course it'll not help your frustration in any given way,but you won't have to fret and fume wondering "WHY????"Coz for once,you have a perfectly rational and valid reason,however unacceptable it may be under the circumstance.

Like I care!!!

I composed this poem long back when I was finding it difficult to express my anger in a more tangible manner;)

"Oh!I am so sorry.

But hey! I don't feel so.

You were not cruel

when you left me behind

So when it came to me,

what's with the change of mind?

When you jumped at opportunity,

you were taking a "risk",

when I do the same,

suddenly,I am a selfish OPPORTUNIST?

When you were ahead of me,

I was supposed to be a sport.

Now when I am ahead of you,

suddenly,I am worse than dirt?

Do you know what you are?

You are a hypocrite!!!

For about the only things that suit YOU,

you'll declare to be right.

You used me and refused me,

smothered my voice and confused me!

Now when my mind is finally clear,

what's the matter my dear

Now this may sound rude,

maybe a bit crude:

When I lagged behind,

you left me for the dead.

But now that I'm here,

Sorry pal,my chance to get ahead!!!!"

Its a different thing that I am more than tangible these days!!

Master of my fate..

Yeah..I watched Aamir,the movie recently...psyched me out completely..Just the thought that someone else can take total control over your life,it's enough to give me nightmares...Kept wondering...All my childhood decisions were made by my parents...they always knew "What's best" for me...in school friends decided..in college the trend continued...Not that my say was non-existent..but it seems more like a formality when I think of it now..

Sometimes..in the quest to prove myself,I've taken some impulsive steps,stupid I guess considering some have had me falling flat on my face..But I guess its more of a quest of knowing who I am and what my worth is..

I remeber having an extremely trying time in school and college..I was taught that being obedient is a good thing..it has been kinda hardwired into my brain..disobeying doesn't come naturally to me...so when I do it,it seems kinda over the top...causing a lot of raised eyebrows..

I subject myself to a lot of introspection on every damn occasion...I think twice,perhaps a 1000 times before I say or do anything that involves hurting anybody's feelings...probably that is what gives me the image of being a sissy..I don't think of myself as a sissy though..I agree I cry a lot and that's because I seem to endure more than my fair share of trouble...ya I know everyone has their own share of troubles..but it tries my patience when I find relatively undeserving people getting credit for something...careless people getting things done faster when I would have gone thru proper channel.Delay at all kinda things seem to be my speciality..I'd lost confidence enough to think that I was jinxed or unlucky for people and started avoiding social gatherings..

But all through my struggles..I never once thought of giving it all up..coz my logical mind kept telling that I've not yet had my share of joy and I must probably wait to claim it.

So I guess I had a choice and I made my decision.I have sat through all kinds ofups and downs.I don't claim that my happiness is finally here..its just that I've finally learnt to find happiness in little things and make the most of it..how?Well,assume you miss the direct bus everyday..the day I catch it I'm in high spirits and consequently I remain so all day.

I've noticed that everytime I'm happy,everything seems to fall into place automatically,and its not that when things fall into place that I'm happy.It's kinda like the avalanche effect...a small thing snowballs into something really huge..whether I choose that something to be sorrow or joy.

So then I realize that it is still my choice.I still have the liberty to choose,hence I am the master of my fate.

As for Aamir,he chose to blow himself up instead of an entire locality of innocent lives..though the

villain was guiding him..ultimately he chose..he could've saved his life if he had wanted..but no.And that is the power of choice..and that makes you the master of your destiny

Awaiting divine intervention...

That's the only thing left..now that my passport won't budge and my life is reaching a point of no return...Plus,my SET hall ticket has gone missing..or so it seems..well..atleast it has not reached my address when all others who'd applied with me have already recieved theirs..

I try my level best not to be superstitious,but I guess I am failing misserably due to my current circumstances..not fatal...but then again..fate is playing an integral part..not funny anymore..self-pity is out!Anger is out...now I am practising indifference coz it seems to work on every other aspect of my life...Don't judge my apathy...I'm simply done waiting for anything..or anyone..