Nothing Fancy about this

My last post was essentially garbage. And I am aware that I have lost my earlier skills with the written word.I was discussing this development with my cousin among a barrage of other complaints. And he made a profound statement- "Writing is not about using fancy words ".

Agreed. Hence the title of the current post.So here I am, trying to introspect what my writing is all about. Am I narrating a story? Making a social commentary? Talking about the current affairs? Taking a stab at Fantasy/ Fiction?

No. I am trying to find my voice. And in my voice I am searching for my authentic self. That person who vanished long back having dealt with enough discouragement to last a lifetime. I need to find her.That confident half of me. I miss her. I am so lost without her.

A for Average...

This morning, I read a very nice article on the editorial page of the Indian express . What impressed me most was that it was written by a 17 year old boy. It was both entertaining and engaging and had a piece of his soul in it.But the best part, was that he'd written about why it's okay to be an average person.

This article has been strangely cathartic to me ever since I read it this morning.It has inadvertently revealed my blind spot to me.I am Average. There. I said it. All of a sudden, a lot of hitherto unexplained phenomena specific to my life have started making sense.

It is said that we are the sum Average of the 5 people we spend our maximum time with.I have been in the company of the studious, the fun-loving and the jerk kinds. And every association has managed to run some of itself on my being.

Cut to today, I don't have the same friends or acquaintances as before.Heck, I don't really have any friends. My Facebook friend list is a farce and instagram and twitter followers are the characters of the satire called "My Life".

Of course, there is the ever dependable family- husband and daughter. All my skills as a polyglot is lost on them. 5 languages and I still don't get through to them.

My parents, of course, are in a league of their own.They have done their job in the way they knew best - by not letting us suffer. Hence, the life lessons I should have probably learned a good 15 years ago are watching and waiting patiently for me.

One of the most profound sayings I have ever heard is - 'in order to shine like the sun, be prepared to burn like one'. It makes complete sense except that personally, I have never been willing to burn. Yeah hard work has never been my thing.

I have always just done enough to get by. 10th std. was a breeze. It was in my 12th that I first realised that I had a blind spot. But in the god gifted wisdom, I deduced that it is something to do with my stars and time, and not the obvious lack of hard work.

I knew I was goofing off. I'd discovered my lifelong frenemy - procrastination. Right before I made any life altering decisions, she'd arrive, to seduce me with her temptations and instant gratification. The candle light of activity that was lit bright, sways to her whims and fancies, and I lose the first of a million such games of desire.

Happiness is found in the simple things. But does simple translate into lazy? Well, that's what I believed, or rather, decided to believe.

So while I wasn't putting in the effort, I decided praying fervently to an all seeing almighty isn't a bad idea, seeing as someone needed to cover up for my lack of work.Big mistake.

The thing about hard work is that it's a misnomer. The work in itself is not hard if your effort is sincere. It requires persistence and practice. The true mark of hard work is when the work done gives you satisfaction. It is not a chore to get rid off, but a stimulant to your brain cells. Something you can do for hours together and wouldn't even realise that it took you that time.

You would finish your work and have a smile of satisfaction, job satisfaction.

I haven't smiled that smile in a very long time. Yeah, it's about time to pull up these Average socks and start working towards being exceptional and irreplaceable.

Back to square one

That's precisely where I'm at.Life's gone a full circle on me,and I'm at the center of it.

There are 2 ways of looking at it.Either that I'm back at the beginning, or that I'm better equipped to handle the challenges life can throw at me.

I choose the second perspective. Life's good.

Always, always, always the best friend

Do looks really matter?

For the record,I'm not a looker.I have no illusions about my physical appearance.I am what one would term,"average".On a bad hair day,with my permanent buck teeth,I look positively ghastly.

If you're wondering,this is not self-deprecation.I'm not looking for sympathy or consolation.These are the plain facts.And the fact that you feel the urge to console me on my looks,proves me right!Looks do matter.

All through my childhood,I've had to work twice as hard to get half the recognition a better looking person is lavished with.They don't deserve the attention!They were born with the looks,didn't have to work to look that good.But oh,the rewards!Always the recipient of unjustified rewards.

Do I sound jealous?It's because you also know I just made a profound statement,

Good looking people can get away with murder.

The unattractive ones,the ones who are actually fun,well-mannered and kind-hearted,get their feelings stomped on with an alarming frequency.

Hence,they adapt a very handy shield.The guys becomes the clowns,and the girls turn tomboys,as their claim to fame.

Evidently,this choice puts them permanently on the "friend zone".Yes,there is such a thing.The unluckier ones fall in "the best friend zone".Haven't you heard it often enough,"But we're just friends","You are my best friend in the whole world ,but I don't see you that way".

Ya right! Try repeating that with a straight face when your "best friend" is a Brad Pitt or an Angelina Jolie.Why,even homegrown Rahul Dravid or a Ranbir Kapoor with all the controversy surrounding him would never be "just a friend".Bloody hypocrites!

Having been there,watching your crush dismiss you like an annoying flea,or your  love interest chasing after the pretty bitch(yes,the pretty ones always are!),I know what it feels like.

To joke away your  own feelings,,to console the bastard that's breaking your heart and watch him feel better as you make self-deprecating jokes,part of your presence in his life.

Yeah,been there,done all that - wishing on shooting stars,fasting and praying,being the kindest and most sensitive soul within miles.All that gets registered though,is your being too available.

Finally,like the chick flicks everyone likes to scorn,the makeover.You feel a sense a shallowness wash over you as you succumb to it,and reality hit you as you discover the obvious - it works!

Of course,the made over look barely touches your attitude.If it does,Abracadabra!You are now a beautiful swan!

If not,you're always ,always,always going to be the world's best friend!

What really matters?

It's interesting to notice that off late, I'm at a constant loss of words. I used to take pride in my ability to articulate almost anything. Yet, these days I find it difficult to string together simple thoughts. Do I lack coherence? Yes. Why? Perhaps, I overdo the thinking part. 

Is it bad?  Yes.  Why? Because, I'm constantly at battle in my mind. So? I am never at peace with myself. Hmmmm.... Interesting. 

Now, what if the introspection stopped? Well, atleast I can have a single mind. 

Good. And so it shall be! 

This is me, then!

There's a common notion that love is pain, that joy is inevitably followed by sorrow, that life is a vicious cycle and that everything is an illusion.

These notions are bullshit! You are alive, full of life, blessed with health and an ability to create your own happiness. Harness that power. Utilize it to the max! You are meant to be happy, so be! Smile :-) 

The delete undelete dilemma

It's been quite sometime since I blogged.And all because someone told me that I become very transparent in my blogs.That one can easily see through me.It was quite an unsettling thought
It made me pretty uncomfortable.I stopped writing.I started introspecting every move of mine.
In the process,I stopped being myself.

I do realize this blog seems like my online diary.And yes,it will be like that coz everytime I write,I put a part of myself into it.With good reason too.I don't write things I dont feel or believe in.Writing is my only passion.Sure,I guess some things are private and should be kept off the cyberspace.

But there is nothing in this blog that I am even remotely ashamed of.So why should I be thinking twice about owning up to my thoughts and feelings.Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite?

There are times when I did consider deleting this blog.But I never could. I cherish this part of me.(And believe me there are not too many things in life that I do cherish).I love writing.I love putting my thoughts out for everyone to see(Egoistic me!!:) Obnoxious?Hell yeah!!

Besides,this is MY blog.Visitors are welcome.Only,they get to read MY thoughts.So enter at your own risk!!