Losing touch..

The topic may be misleading,or make perfect sense..either way it reflects my current state of mind..

Yes,I believe I am losing touch.with my innocence,my friends,my parents,my family,my cousins and relatives,my school n college days,my frivolousness,and strangely the most integral part of me..my poetry.I dunno if it is a good thing or not.Perhaps that's wat growing up is all about..either that or i have become extremely indifferent to my surroundings.

If I think about it..I am not that bad a person..People change..it's an evolutionary fact from Darwinian times..its nothing new really..in fact,I have seen several people close to me change over the years..And I have taken it in my stride..

What bugs me is that now,when I am showing signs of changing..suddenly people seem to have a problem with it.Hypocrites!Its a general problem with the world that they are so cocooned in familiarity that they hate change,especially with respect to their routines.Myself included.

I remember cribbing about having to shift my residence and change my routine of 10 years..then shifting back and changing my routine of 7 years..people find it more and more difficult to adapt as the grow older,being somewhat set in their ways.

My friends of nearly 12 years have moved out of city coz of their jobs..I'll be doing the same soon.Change is the only constant in the world.The sooner you realize and accept this fact,the better.I don't promise life to get easier,but it'll definitely get more bearable.

So when people don't keep their word,tell yourself they changed their mind.When people don't show up on time,tell yourself they changed their schedule.Of course it'll not help your frustration in any given way,but you won't have to fret and fume wondering "WHY????"Coz for once,you have a perfectly rational and valid reason,however unacceptable it may be under the circumstance.

Like I care!!!

I composed this poem long back when I was finding it difficult to express my anger in a more tangible manner;)

"Oh!I am so sorry.

But hey! I don't feel so.

You were not cruel

when you left me behind

So when it came to me,

what's with the change of mind?

When you jumped at opportunity,

you were taking a "risk",

when I do the same,

suddenly,I am a selfish OPPORTUNIST?

When you were ahead of me,

I was supposed to be a sport.

Now when I am ahead of you,

suddenly,I am worse than dirt?

Do you know what you are?

You are a hypocrite!!!

For about the only things that suit YOU,

you'll declare to be right.

You used me and refused me,

smothered my voice and confused me!

Now when my mind is finally clear,

what's the matter my dear

Now this may sound rude,

maybe a bit crude:

When I lagged behind,

you left me for the dead.

But now that I'm here,

Sorry pal,my chance to get ahead!!!!"

Its a different thing that I am more than tangible these days!!

Master of my fate..

Yeah..I watched Aamir,the movie recently...psyched me out completely..Just the thought that someone else can take total control over your life,it's enough to give me nightmares...Kept wondering...All my childhood decisions were made by my parents...they always knew "What's best" for me...in school friends decided..in college the trend continued...Not that my say was non-existent..but it seems more like a formality when I think of it now..

Sometimes..in the quest to prove myself,I've taken some impulsive steps,stupid I guess considering some have had me falling flat on my face..But I guess its more of a quest of knowing who I am and what my worth is..

I remeber having an extremely trying time in school and college..I was taught that being obedient is a good thing..it has been kinda hardwired into my brain..disobeying doesn't come naturally to me...so when I do it,it seems kinda over the top...causing a lot of raised eyebrows..

I subject myself to a lot of introspection on every damn occasion...I think twice,perhaps a 1000 times before I say or do anything that involves hurting anybody's feelings...probably that is what gives me the image of being a sissy..I don't think of myself as a sissy though..I agree I cry a lot and that's because I seem to endure more than my fair share of trouble...ya I know everyone has their own share of troubles..but it tries my patience when I find relatively undeserving people getting credit for something...careless people getting things done faster when I would have gone thru proper channel.Delay at all kinda things seem to be my speciality..I'd lost confidence enough to think that I was jinxed or unlucky for people and started avoiding social gatherings..

But all through my struggles..I never once thought of giving it all up..coz my logical mind kept telling that I've not yet had my share of joy and I must probably wait to claim it.

So I guess I had a choice and I made my decision.I have sat through all kinds ofups and downs.I don't claim that my happiness is finally here..its just that I've finally learnt to find happiness in little things and make the most of it..how?Well,assume you miss the direct bus everyday..the day I catch it I'm in high spirits and consequently I remain so all day.

I've noticed that everytime I'm happy,everything seems to fall into place automatically,and its not that when things fall into place that I'm happy.It's kinda like the avalanche effect...a small thing snowballs into something really huge..whether I choose that something to be sorrow or joy.

So then I realize that it is still my choice.I still have the liberty to choose,hence I am the master of my fate.

As for Aamir,he chose to blow himself up instead of an entire locality of innocent lives..though the

villain was guiding him..ultimately he chose..he could've saved his life if he had wanted..but no.And that is the power of choice..and that makes you the master of your destiny